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Gods Own Painter

9 Apr

The greatest painter the world has ever known died last week, leaving millions of soft focus paintings of little cottages for us to remember him by.  Like any true artist, Kincade had to fight through hard times.  An art school dropout from a broken home, Kinkade became a born-again Christian in 1980, and shortly afterwards started peddling his inspirational landscapes out of the trunk of his car.  Once the Lord was by his side, it was almost as if God became “his art agent”, supplying him with his best ideas.  One of those ideas was mass-marketing his canvases to the point that he has become recognized as the most-collected living artist — and one of the richest.  At one point, Kinkade’s factories churned out as many as 500 reproductions a day of his most beloved works, which then sold for thousands of dollars in Kinkade’s galleries. He became a best-selling author and inspirational speaker, and he designed a housing complex of $400,000 homes inspired by his paintings.  Suck on that Matisse.  Van Gogh would have cut off his schlong for those kind of numbers.  At the height of his popularity a decade ago, Kinkade was profiled in magazines as diverse as Christianity Today and the New Yorker, but in recent years financial troubles and bizarre behavior began overwhelming the idyllic images.  Kinkade was accused of behaving inappropriately with women and even urinating on a Winnie the Pooh figure at the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim — an especially odd occurrence for a man who compared himself to Walt Disney, as well as Norman Rockwell, the illustrator of iconic Americana.  But all great artists have their dark side.  So I say farewell to you “Painter of Light”.  Enjoy your idyllic cottage in the sky.  Always may you have a fire in the chimney and a light in the window.

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Whitney’s Death Helps Boost Bobby’s Career.

4 Apr

No, not “my prerogotive” bobby brown, I mean Bobby Kristina Brown.  It turns out mom’s death is the best thing that could have happened to the young entertainer.  Following her appearance on Oprah last month, her career has really started to blossom.  The 19-year-old Brown will be a new addition to the TBS’ comedy “Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse”.  Let me assure our Caucasian readers that this is indeed a big deal.  Some have criticized Bobby Kristina for moving into the entertainment world so soon after her mother’s death, but I for one am glad that she has stepped  up to carry the pipe torch.

There Is Nothing Funny About Rape.

27 Mar

Belvedere, the Polack vodka company, managed to offend nearly a million people Friday when it posted an ad on its Facebook page that depicted some good old fashioned rape humor.  The company removed the ad In response to the outrage, and has been doing damage control ever since, issuing apologies, and even going so far as to make a charitable donation to RAINN, a non-profit that is an advocate for victims of sexual violence.  To the soon to be unemployed marketing genius behind this ad campaign, I say join us.  Join the Roosters.  We can’t pay much, but I assure you, your talents will be appreciated.

Worst Comic Ever Still Alive

20 Mar

Earlier this week, the world’s worst standup comic – Gallagher, known for smashing watermelons and not being funny – was rushed to the hospital after suffering a heart attack.  This is great news, I thought.  One less prop comic is always a good thing.  So you can imagine my disappointment when I read this news article.  That’s right, Gallagher has awakened from his coma, and it looks like he will be smashing fruit in no time.  Why God, why?  Why do you take away the greatest comedic minds before their time, and leave us with shit comics? Why do you take Patrice O’neal, and leave us Gallagher? Why do you take Mitch Hedberg and leave us Carrot Top? Why God?

Gay… Emo…Whats the Difference?

13 Mar

Apparently, there is none if you are from Iraq.  Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve had trouble telling the difference myself.  Emo does seem very gay, with all the eyeliner, and crying; however, according to this article, in Iraq they draw no distinction between the two, and are targeting  emo kids and stoning them to death.  I found this very amusing…….not the stoning to death part, but the part where they think being emo and being gay are one and the same.  My girlfriend however felt that there was nothing funny about it, and that I was insensitive.  I ‘ll leave it up to our readers to decide.

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