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Gods Own Painter

9 Apr

The greatest painter the world has ever known died last week, leaving millions of soft focus paintings of little cottages for us to remember him by.  Like any true artist, Kincade had to fight through hard times.  An art school dropout from a broken home, Kinkade became a born-again Christian in 1980, and shortly afterwards started peddling his inspirational landscapes out of the trunk of his car.  Once the Lord was by his side, it was almost as if God became “his art agent”, supplying him with his best ideas.  One of those ideas was mass-marketing his canvases to the point that he has become recognized as the most-collected living artist — and one of the richest.  At one point, Kinkade’s factories churned out as many as 500 reproductions a day of his most beloved works, which then sold for thousands of dollars in Kinkade’s galleries. He became a best-selling author and inspirational speaker, and he designed a housing complex of $400,000 homes inspired by his paintings.  Suck on that Matisse.  Van Gogh would have cut off his schlong for those kind of numbers.  At the height of his popularity a decade ago, Kinkade was profiled in magazines as diverse as Christianity Today and the New Yorker, but in recent years financial troubles and bizarre behavior began overwhelming the idyllic images.  Kinkade was accused of behaving inappropriately with women and even urinating on a Winnie the Pooh figure at the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim — an especially odd occurrence for a man who compared himself to Walt Disney, as well as Norman Rockwell, the illustrator of iconic Americana.  But all great artists have their dark side.  So I say farewell to you “Painter of Light”.  Enjoy your idyllic cottage in the sky.  Always may you have a fire in the chimney and a light in the window.


Mega Loser

31 Mar

The following story is true:

Like most of America, yesterday I bought a Lottery Ticket. I did not win. I did not think I was going to win. I did not have a list of things I was going to buy when I won, but Tyson “TayShawn” Gibson did. I met TayShawn at 7-11 while I was in line to buy my Lotto ticket. He had printed out a list of all the things he was planning to buy with “the C-note God done wrote”.

While last night’s Mega Millions Jackpot had gone up to $640 Million, Tyshaw’s 14 page list of items only totaled (I have no idea how he reached these numbers) $398 Million. I asked TayShawn why he had stopped his list just shy of $400 Million. He responded, “man you mus be a stupid muther f**ker… aint you never hearda taxes”. Clearly his understanding of money exceeds my own. Some of my favorite items on TyShawn’s list where… 10 pounds of bacon, an autographed picture of Jay-Z and Beyonce with new baby Blue Ivy and a monkey.

What would you buy?

There Is Nothing Funny About Rape.

27 Mar

Belvedere, the Polack vodka company, managed to offend nearly a million people Friday when it posted an ad on its Facebook page that depicted some good old fashioned rape humor.  The company removed the ad In response to the outrage, and has been doing damage control ever since, issuing apologies, and even going so far as to make a charitable donation to RAINN, a non-profit that is an advocate for victims of sexual violence.  To the soon to be unemployed marketing genius behind this ad campaign, I say join us.  Join the Roosters.  We can’t pay much, but I assure you, your talents will be appreciated.

2012 Bumper Stickers We Have Come So Far

20 Mar

One sad legacy of our Nation has been the ridiculous tendency to categorize humans into races on a quickly sliding scale of importance and ability (athletics aside). Now, a quick glance at the current options for bumper stickers reveals a more modern, refined and sensible relationship to peoples of darker skin colors, like ones who shouldn’t be reelected and ones who can only be understood and helped by WASPy Facebook users furiously sharing and “liking.”

Look how far we have come. Fredrick Douglass, Martin Luther King and Rosa if you could only see us now!

Clooney Inspires Us

17 Mar

Like most rich white Americans, George Clooney understands the needs of the people in Sudan. Yesterday in a protest outside the Sudanese Embassy, Clooney and his father were arrested in hopes of raising awareness for what Clooney is calling “a humanitarian disaster”.

What I gathered from all the interruptions to March Madness is, that the Sudanese President is blocking food aid from entering into South Sudan. This has created a situation where civilians could potentially starve to death. Plus there is a lot of bombing and raping.

I want to thank Clooney for bringing this to my attention and would encourage our readers to donate to the cause in Southern Sudan. That said this recent arrest is only one of the many great accomplishments in Clooney’s life.

He also…

Won an Academy Award and had sex with this girl

Won a Golden Globe and had sex with this girl

Wrote and directed  Good Night and Good Luck and had sex with this girl

Was voted the sexiest man alive (twice) and had sex with this girl

Is friends with Brad Pitt and had sex with this girl

There are literally a hundreds more (female not professional) examples I could have listed, but I think you get the point. Clooney you are an inspiration to us all. Now let’s save Sudan!

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