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Elway simultaneously raises bar for Denver QB, lowers bar to marry daughter

21 Mar

Hall of Fame Quarterback and 2 Time NFL Superbowl Champ John Elway anncouned today that well-known mush mouth and 4 time NFL MVP and Superbowl Champ Peyton Manning would join the Denver Broncos as starting QB.  “WTF?” you say!  But the Broncos have Tim Tebow, the greatest thing since Jesus or the Beatles!  Well not for long.  But don’t feel too bad for Tebow, according to Elway: “Tim Tebow’s a great kid. If I want someone to marry my daughter, it’s him.”  “Tim is a great football player, but with the opportunity that presented itself here, we had to take advantage of that.”  So…let’s get this straight …its easier to get with Elway’s daughter than to get the starting QB position for his Broncos.  Ok, I respect that.  These football guys peak in their late twenties and spend their next 60 years in pain reliving the glory days.  But, if Elway is offering his daughter to the guy he is about to fire, what did he have to offer Peyton to come to Denver?  Do TELL.

Past Its Prime: the NBA Dunk Contest

3 Mar

The Rooster is crowing a bit late on this one, it’s true, but we might be the only ones with enough cock to say it: since when did the NBA Slam Dunk Contest get so lame?

Last weekend, Utah Jazz player Jeremy Evans – known as the “Human Pogo-stick,” which may or may not refer to his basketball acumen – won the contest with a couple of ho-hum dunks, including one where he paid tribute to Karl Malone, universally known as one of the worst dunkers in NBA history. It’s like setting out to paint a masterpiece, using Thomas Kinkade as your inspiration (sorry, Mom). Malone’s dunks – and Evans’ – are about as exciting as Rosie O’Donnell in a bikini. (Sidenote, but there’s a delightful internet subculture dedicated to Kinkade’s god-awful paintings, ie, this story and this one)

Then you have Chase Budinger of the Phoenix Suns. This white bread wonder boy, also without an original thought, followed in the footsteps of Cedric Ceballos by dunking blindfolded. BOOOOR-ING! Indiana Pacers player Paul George followed by jumping and dunking over two teammates. Kind of cool, I guess. Except that Vince Carter did this in a game! Against a 7-foot Russian, no less. It’s worth noting that Paul George is plenty tall at 6 feet 8 inches. A few years back, Nate Robinson won the dunk contest with basically the same dunk. Except that he’s 5′ 9″! Keeping the parade of mediocrity alive, Minnesota Timberwolves’ guard Derrick Williams threw down a big dunk over a motorcycle. But you know what’s more impressive than jumping a motorcycle? A car! Which is exactly what Blake Griffin did last year.

Call me a hater, but when I saw Blake’s dunk last year, I had two thoughts: first, it was nothing more than a fancy alley-oop; second, more importantly, I wondered: has the NBA Dunk Contest hit a creative wall, where there’s nothing original left?

For the sake of guys who like to yell “OH DAAAAAAAMNNNN,” cover their mouths and run to the corner of the court in disbelief, I sure as hell hope not. But I think it might be true. The 80s and 90s – the NBA’s ‘Golden Era’ – were filled with dunk contest performances that blew your mind and continually raised the bar for creativity and athleticism. Dr. J from the foul line. Dominique, wind-milling and reverse dunking out of his mind. Jordan, dunking with the ultimate combo of athleticism and polish, one-upping Dr. J by adding an insane double-pump to the foul line dunk. Dee Brown, doing Reebok a solid by pumping up, and then dunking eyes closed. Isaiah Rider between the legs. Vince Carter’s ridiculous windmills and ENTIRE ARM in the rim. I could go on, but you get the point.

So here’s my question: is the dunk contest past its prime, or is there a next frontier? Vote and tell us.

Butt Ugly Athletes

28 Feb

I’m a huge fan of Andrew Luck and his work in the Geico Caveman Commercials, but even more so when it comes to his play on the field. There’s no doubt that the dude is going number one overall in this years draft, and therefore headed to Indianapolis. Upon Luck’s arrival, fellow QB Curtis Painter will no longer be the ugliest person on the team. That doesn’t make Luck the ugliest in the league though. In search for the ugliest player in the NFL, I couldn’t help but extend my search to the ugliest peron sports. Here’s the short list:

NBA: Joakim Noah
How Noah is dating this girl is beyond me. He looks like Diana Ross on crack with Letterman’s Gap. The worst thing about him is how annoying he is. Man I hate this guy.
NHL: Gino Odjick

Ok, so he’s not playing anymore, but there’s no way you knew that. Who the hell watches the NHL anyway? The picture speaks for itself. This guy is gross just look at his girlfriend.

NFL:Paul McQuistan, McQuistan gives Mask a run for his money. This dude looks like Pete from Pete and Pete on roids. I’d rather spend time with Carrot Top than have to look at this guy.

Who takes home the ugliest person in sports award?

Cheaters

24 Feb

No, not the show with that tool Joey Greco you are forced to watch at 2 a.m. when you can’t sleep.  I mean the athletes.  Specifically, the ones that cheat.  Some get caught.  Some don’t.  Some we know are guilty – we just can’t prove it …yet.  The latest cheating scandal causing heartburn for all those 42 year old failed-to-launch ex-jocks living in their mom’s basements involves the Milwaukee Brewers’ star outfielder Ryan Braun.  In 2011 Braun was suspended for 50 games for testing positive for elevated testosterone.  This week Bruan’s 50 game suspension was overturned thanks to THE JUICE – actually the O.J. Simpson Dream Team (aka “I get off because the ‘chain of custody’ of my pee sample was flawed”) Good for Braun …  bad for baseball.

Good to know the courtroom antics that helped make Kim Kardashian’s dad famous will now be showing up with our national pastime.Of course, cheating and sports go hand-in-hand.  If we’ve learned anything from sports’ history it’s that: if it’s worth winning, then it’s worth cheating.   So….who is the biggest cheater in baseball?

A Return From Retirement

22 Feb

 

If Moneyball has taught us anything it’s that the Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane is really good looking. The film, nominated for a few Academy Awards including Best Picture and Best Actor, slipped the world a roofie and everyone forgot that the Oakland A’s are Major League baseball’s Washington Generals. After blowing the team up this off season, Brad Pitt Billy Bean and the A’s pulled Manny Ramirez out of retirement and signed him to a one year Minor League Deal for $500,000. Appropriate because the A’s are a minor league team at best.

Manny is the most recent to return from retirement; joining Brett Favre, Michael Jordan, and a handful of other once great washed up has beens who would have spent better time following in the retirement footsteps of OJ Simpsons, and become the official spokesman for Hertz Rent-a-Car.

Conversely, there are plenty of athletes that we would love to see still lacing up. Here is a list of athletes who should return from retirement.

1. Michael Jordan:

Jordan should return to the playing the league, not because he is the greatest to ever play the game (and anyone who wants to argue can go to hell), but because he’s the worst owner/gm the game has ever seen. He even makes Isaiah Thomas look good.  The Bobcats are terrible, posting a 4-27 record so far this season. Give it a rest Michael and come back and play.

2. Rollie Fingers:

Yeah he’s 65, probably suffers from gout, and hasn’t played ball since 1985, but damn have you seen that moustache. With the MLB so dominated by “The Beard” (and frankly we’re tired of him and his antics), it really needs to insert something fresh. A moustache to distract us from how boring the sport has become. Even better, lift the ban on steroids. Who wants to see me hit some dingers?

3. Randy Moss:

Apparently he still runs a 4.3. Are you kidding me! That’s amazing. There’s only a hand full of guys in the NFL that can run a 4.3. Sure he’s a cancer to the team, won’t eat certain foods and occasionally moons the crowd, but a 4.3. Ok, so there’s no way he’s that quick, but it would be sure nice to see a few more plays like this. Someone give Randy a chance. He’s dying to play.

4. Shaq:

Unless Shaq is planning on the sequel to Kazaam, there is no reasonable explanation for him hanging it up. That fact is that there are very few big men in the league and his presence would be felt instantly. Hell, the world wouldn’t expect you to hustle, just half assing it would be enough. Shaq the league has gone small; we need you.

5. Tiger Woods:

To put it simply, the sport isn’t the same without him. We need him like he needs to bang every Applebees waitress. Pick up those clubs and come back to Golf Tiger. Everyone knows the guy on the tour isn’t you.

There’s my five. Who would you like to see come back from retirement?

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