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A Sex Tip for the Roosters

15 Mar

You don’t need Dr. Phil to tell you sex is an important part of any relationship. What you might need is a tip on how to keep it hot. Especially if you have been with the same person for years or worse if you had a kid(s) together. Here is something that has been working for this married man recently.

Sexting. Let her know that you are thinking about her and that you can’t wait to see her again. By the time you finally get together she’ll love you for it.

For those hopeless Roosters out there, here is my “sext” conversation today word for word…

8:50 AM at the office
Her: Found ur keys
Me: Dope want to have sex at lunch time today? I’ll come home for it!
Her: Haha ok
Me: Nice what time do u pick the boys up
Her: I have to leave the house by 2:15
Me: Ok from 1:15 to 2:15 that ass is mine

2:17 PM on the way back to office:
Her: I can’t find my bra! Ha
Me: Haha
Her: Wild times!

What do you do to keep things hot in the bedroom (or kitchen table). The Roosters need to know!

How to use Google Goggles

23 Feb

Earlier this week a report began to circulate that Google, a tech company based in the Silicon Valley had created some magic glasses. Apparently, by looking into these “Google Goggles” you can uncover valuable information or “metadata” about the object you are looking at.

To get a sense for how these glasses will be used in our everyday lives, The Rooster went to the streets and asked 3 teenage boys.

Jason a handsome Mexican from Long Island, said, “The first thing I would do is have a nice long look at Stacy Holman’s boobs. There is so much I have always wanted to know about them.” By using this new Google device, Jason and his friends could know both Stacy’s cup size as well as where she bought her bra.

Tyler, from the Bronx had a more academic use for the goggles. He said, “I would wear them whenever I had to take a test.” It turns out, this would actually work! By simply staring at the answers or “tags” on a multiple choice exam, the glasses could retrieve available data about that person, place or thing on the web. In other words, there is no reason for a high school student to try and memorize anything ever again.

Finally we spoke to Gary. Gary “would use the glasses to destroy his friends at World of Warcraft.” His answer has little to do with the glasses themselves, but reminds us that at least 1 out of 3 High School boys is a fat nerd.

Guy’s what’s your favorite electronic device of all-time? Ladies what is your second (#1 choice is so obvious) favorite electronic device of all-time?

In a Sea of Hair

23 Feb

Let’s face it, unless you are one of the few lucky bastards men who will live their life with a full head of hair, at one point in your life you will begin to go bald. How do you know that you are going bald? A few indicators I’ve found useful have been an increasing amount of hair on you pillow or your wife complaining about all the stray hairs on the shower floor. There are only so many times that you can claim that they are just back hairs.

Now, there is no need to panic if you have started going bald or are already well on your way. With the below handy guide you can learn the do’s and don’ts on baldness and be well on your way to showing off your golden mane (or lack thereof).

Don’t: The Combover

Famously worn by Donald Trump, the Combover is what many people will envision when they think of a sad bald man. Why would you think that you can hide your bald spot by combing your remaining hair over it? Unless the people you are trying to fool are legally blind, anyone can spot the Combover from a mile away. Avoid this look at all costs.

Do: The Peninsula

With an ever expanding shoreline of skin, the Peninsula juts out into the middle of your head. Best worn short, this look is very easy to pull off and does not seem to impede your game with the ladies. Just look at Bruce Willis. He’s been balding ever since the first Die Hard movie and he’s hooked up with countless celebrities and Playboy models.

Don’t: The Skullet

You are already going bald, there is no need to draw more unwanted attention to the top of your head with your thinning, whispy hair. The 80’s are over and you can’t grow a mullet anyway. Time to throw in the towel, or you’ll end up looking like Nicolas Cage, and then find yourself in excellent films such as “Ghost Rider 2” and “Snake Eyes”.

                            

Do: The Monk

Bald on top but hair around the sides. Wear this one proud. You are in a club of kings, presidents, and other rich and powerful men. Be like Sean Connery. Keep it short, grow a beard (draws the eyes away from your head and provides a nice contrast from an otherwise stark canvas), and speak with a Scottish accent. Done.

Don’t: Hair Plugs

Hair plugs have come a long way and can really look natural. Unfortunately your income probably hasn’t, and all you can afford is the kind where they take your pubic hair and drill it into your head. Avoid the embarrassment and just wear that bald spot loud and proud.

Do you have any other tips and guidelines for going bald? Leave them in the comments.

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